HOW CAN I TELL IF I’M BEING GASLIT?

The term ‘gaslighting’ is now very common in relationship language, however it is one that we should fully understand before we come to the conclusion someone is being ‘gaslit’.

The description ‘gaslighting’ actually comes from a 1940 film of the same name, which was re-made in 1944 with Ingrid Bergman.  It is set at the turn of the century, in which a woman (Bella) is made to think she is losing her mind at the hand of her husband.

Her husband, Paul (who is in fact an imposter and murderer), is obsessed with finding valuable rubies that he knows are hidden in the house he has insisted they move into.  His wife, Bella, has no idea the rubies exist, or that he historically committed murder to try and get hold of them.  However, when he believes she is onto him, he embarks on a campaign of discrediting her, and making her believe she is going mad. 

Ensuring that he keeps her family at bay, he starts a rigorous routine of making Bella doubt her sanity.  He repeatedly removes one picture from the wall and hides it, convincing Bella she herself is taking it, and that she therefore must be mad.  One evening he asks her to wear a particular brooch, having already hidden it away, and scolds her when she cannot find it.  He places his pocket watch in her purse, and then proclaims to have lost it.  When it is later found in her purse he publicly shames her, and she is brought to hysterical tears.  By then, she looks mad to anyone watching.

Where do the gaslights come in? Well Paul constantly searches for the rubies by night, stomping around the attic by gaslight.  As a result the gaslights in the rest of the house are dimmed, much to the confusion of Bella who believes (you guessed it) that she is going mad.

There are plenty of online articles explaining what ‘gaslighters’ do, but the story of the film can more saliently helps us define ‘gaslighting’ and describe what it can involve.  This old black and white movie could even help us to recognise if we are ourselves being ‘gaslit’.

First, there is usually a motive behind gaslighting.  For ‘Paul’ it is all about the rubies – he wants them and will do anything to get them.  Almost without exception, someone who is gaslighting you has a motivation to do so.  Perhaps they want to gain financially, or desire control, or to cover up something deviant they are doing.  If you think you might be being gaslit, try to work out what your partners motivation could be and the pieces may fit together a little easier.  An example could be your partner covering up an affair or an addiction. 

Secondly, someone who is gaslighting you will try to remove family and friends to some extent.  People who know and love you will likely be able to expose the reality of what your partner is doing, so for the abuser it is essential that no-one knows what is happening behind closed doors.  This alienation may not be obvious at first, but if you are suspicious, consider at length whether the relationships you have with your closest people are as strong as they were before, and what that is truly down to.  It may simply be that your sibling does not come to see you as often because, although your partner has not done anything outwardly antagonistic, your sibling simply feels uncomfortable around them.  This is subtle alienation.

Third, if you are being gaslit, you are doubting your own gut feelings, your sanity, and wondering if there is something wrong with you.  The ‘gaslighter’ will deny clear facts, shift blame on to you, minimise your feelings, ignore you, divert the focus of arguments to remain in control, and often make you apologise for something that is entirely their fault. 

Throughout the movie, despite doing nothing wrong, Bella is getting smaller and weaker.  She constantly apologises to Paul, saying she is going to ‘get better’.  Despite this he calls the doctor to have her certified as ‘insane’. 

If you often feel that you doubt your own perceptions, and you are being told there is something wrong with you, then you  are probably being ‘gaslit’.

‘Gaslighting’ is manipulation of the highest order, can impact your long-term mental health, and is a form of domestic abuse.  If you think you are being ‘gaslit’, speak to family and friends openly about what is happening and reach out for couples therapy.  It is unlikely that a good therapist will miss the signs of gaslighting and they should challenge the behaviour head on.