Same relationship, different guy (or girl)

Can I change my attachment style?

Many people ask me why their romantic relationships always seem to go the same way, ultimately ending in failure.  If we are self-aware enough we may notice that instead of being down to bad luck or bad guys/girls this unsuccessful pattern suggests one common denominator, us.  But what are we doing wrong?

In our search for answers, the question ‘what attachment style am I?’ is an increasingly popular one to ask.  Simply google it, do a short quiz and you will find your answer.  You will fit into one of four categories:

1 – Secure

2 – Anxious – Insecure

3 – Avoidant

4 – Disorganised

But what do these attachment styles say about us? In a nutshell, the holy grail is secure attachment, a category which describes feeling confident in relationships.  Someone who is securely attached gives commitment with ease, and accepts love freely from others.  The remaining 3 styles are not so highly sought after.  Anxious attachment (I prefer to use the description ‘insecure’ or ‘non secure’) is a style describing someone who does not feel secure in relationships, who needs constant affirmation, and who is often convinced their partners will leave them. Avoidant attached people keep others at arms length to avoid disappointment, finding it hard to let people in, preferring to rely on their own company.  Lastly, disorganised attachment refers to those who have conflicting reactions to others, and therefore whose behaviours and emotions cannot be categorized easily.

So what determines your attachment style? and can you change it? Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, the pioneers of attachment theory, developed these 4 attachment categories largely as a result of Ainsworth’s observations of babies and their mothers when she found that the way a mother responds to her young child from birth is a major predictor of the child’s attachment to her. 

Mothers who were sensitive to their babies needs, who provided more comfort in distress, and who used warm eye contact produced toddlers who showed healthy and secure independence in unfamiliar environments.  Mothers who were less sensitive and who reacted less warmly to their babies produced avoidant, and highly independent toddlers who found limited comfort with their mothers in times of uncertainty.  Children of mothers who showed inconsistency with caregiving were insecure and anxious in their attachment with her, displaying anger and clinginess simultaneously whilst navigating an unfamiliar environment situation.  Perhaps you recognise yourself in one of these descriptions? Maybe you even recognise how your attachment style has played out in your relationships with friends and lovers in adulthood.

This scientific research was groundbreaking however it must be interpreted in context.  We should not, for instance, all be blaming our mothers (or main caregivers) for what they did when we were babies.  External factors like the mother’s ability to breast feed, wider socio-economic forces, abandonment of fathers, and the stress levels of the mothers are just some of the factors that could affect the way in which attachment styles are formed as babies. We must also remain aware that it is very possible, with changes of environment, for attachment styles to change over time.  We therefore cannot lay too much of a weighty burden on our early caregivers.

If you recognise that you have a problematic attachment style, it could go a long way to answering your question about why you always seem to have the same negative relationship pattern over and over again.  Maybe you always attract the ‘wrong’ guys/girls, they always end up leaving, perhaps you self-sabotage.  My belief is that we have absolute power over the quality of our relationships as long as we acknowledge that our subconscious mind may be working against us. We have all learned things as small children, teens and adults that have conditioned our beliefs, for instance ‘I cannot rely on people to give me comfort, I’m better going it alone’, or ‘I feel uncertain about whether I have security, therefore I require constant reassurance’.  We respond to those beliefs, no matter how outdated and irrelevant, in the same old ways, with fear, anger, avoidance and a desire to protect ourselves.

So if we want to improve our romantic relationships the big question is ‘how do I change my attachment style?’

The first step… Refresh those outdated and unhelpful beliefs.  Imagine what happens when you update the software on your mobile phone; the old, broken and outdated parts are deleted to make way for the newer, more relevant systems that make the phone much easier to use.  You want to do the same sort of thing. Acknowledging your attachment style, and unpicking it with a good therapist is a good start.  Simply understanding why you have responded the way you have to people throughout your life can be tremendously enlightening.  You will have a much deeper knowledge of yourself and be more conscious of the possibility of change.

The second step… Focus on the architecture of your life, and make any necessary changes.  Scientific research has found that people become more securely attached in their romantic relationships when they are surrounded by other stable relationships, enjoy good mental health, have higher levels of self-esteem and have positive perceptions of social support.  This means looking at your social world, your friends, your parents, your siblings, and making sure those relationships are healthy and stable.  Nurture relationships that bring you joy, and curate a sphere around you that you feel secure in.  Think of the babies in the experiments, and imagine you are one of the babies. Try to think about providing a secure environment for them (you) remembering there is no room for instability, you are aiming to build a secure base from which to freely explore relationships with new people.

This step also means investing more in yourself.  Do you spend enough time doing what you enjoy? Are you fulfilled in your job? Do you prioritise eating and sleeping well? Perhaps you could carve out more time for friends, or connect with old friends, or honour your health more.  You must also consider your levels of self-esteem and whether there is room for improvement.  Low self-esteem cannot heighten by others telling you how great you are, it is generally improved by feelings of achievement and worth.  Doing good for others is a good start, deciding upon a difficult task and completing it can also help – think: ‘I’m going to do that 5k run’ and do it.  Finally, look for the evidence around you – is there really any evidence that you are less than worthy? Remind yourself of all the proof there is that you are more than good enough.

The third (and final) step… Practise.  Consciously do the things that might be uncomfortable.  This ‘practising’ is one of the best ways to reset your unhealthy beliefs.  For avoidant attached people this could mean reaching out for a date, or picking up the phone to an old friend.  Once your brain registers that nothing bad is happening you will automatically become more comfortable with those actions and indulge in them more. For insecurely attached people, practise could mean refraining from sending another text to your partner asking for reassurance, or transferring more energy to self-care.

It can take time to change old beliefs, but with acknowledgement of them, and a willingness to make conscious changes, the evidence shows that attachment styles are flexible and can change over time.

If you need support please do not hesitate to reach out for a 60 minute free session.

Bibliography

Ainsworth, M. D. S., & Bell, S. M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child development, 49-67.

Bowlby, J. (1979). The bowlby-ainsworth attachment theory. Behavioral and brain sciences, 2(4), 637-638.

Cozzarelli, C., Karafa, J. A., Collins, N. L., & Tagler, M. J. (2003). Stability and change in adult attachment styles: associations with personal vulnerabilities, life events. and global construals of self and others. Journal of social and clinical psychology, 22(3), 315-346.

R Chris Fraley, Glenn I Roisman. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: four lessons, Current Opinion in Psychology, Volume 25.