competitive conflict
As a relationship therapist I see couples on their worst days on a daily basis. They come to me because they are in conflict - maybe they want to parent their child in different ways, they are constantly argue about a previous betrayal, career and financial issues are causing difficulties, or perhaps they simply are not getting what they need from each other. But I generally find there are two broad types of couples, ones who have cooperative conflict and those who have competitive conflict, and here is the thing I have learned: those who can fight with a level of cooperation are far more successful than those who fight competitively.
Conflict is a good thing. Without it we do not challenge the world around us, we do not debate or think critically enough, and we would be at risk of living in an unquestioned society which would alter and adapt little. But there are ways of framing conflict without seeing it as something to be avoided, or something that will make us stressed or angry. We could instead welcome it as an opportunity to express our needs, ideas and wants and facilitate some positive change with our partners.
Imagine a couple who are arguing about who can use the family car for the afternoon. The wife says that she wants to use it to drive to the gym, and the husband says he wants to pick up a new garden hose from someone who has sold it to him online. A competitive conflict couple are likely to have this conversation:
“I need the car for the gym. I am meeting Sarah there for a work out.”
“But I said I would pick up the hose from that guy in Woking.”
“You didn’t tell me. Urgh, you always do this. It is my car, I pay for all the petrol, so I’m going to gym, it’s the only thing I ever do for me.”
“That is rubbish, I never say I need the car, you always have the car, and I’m left to get the bus everywhere. How am I gonna get the hose?”
And so on.. Whereas a co-operative orientated couple are likely to have a conversation a bit like this:
“Ah, I was expecting to have the car to get to the gym as I am meeting Sarah for a work out.”
“Oh, because I said I would pick up the hose from the guy in Woking."
“Ok this is annoying. I am supposed to be there at 3pm, what time you supposed to be in Woking?”
“3pm.”
“Maybe you could drop me at the gym a bit early, and go to Woking. You will still get there for 3pm.”
“Yeah ok, I can also pick you up if you tell me what time you will be done.”
“We should probably communicate more about when we will be needing the car..”
“Copy that.”
The competitive couple have a much more heated argument, which will not reach a positive conclusion any time soon, but the cooperative couple end up with a workable solution. They both have the same conflict, the difference is that the first couple are competing for power (‘It is my car. I pay for all the petrol’) and both want to win the argument (an all too common theme), but the second couple see the problem as one that they share, and one that they can find a fair solution to.
So how do you become the co-operative couple? There are three basic qualities and skills that both partners within a cooperative couple have. Firstly, both of you understand that human survival is dependent on the ability to accept the activities of others. Aloneness is an option, but choosing to connect with others and perhaps procreate brings with it a need to accept others needs. Secondly, you both possess a favourable attitude to your environment. That is the idea that ‘we benefit each other’ as opposed to ‘this person is bringing me down’. Third, inducibility; you are both open to accepting the influences of others - a readiness to be persuaded of an idea that is different to yours.
The open-mindedness and existential exploration of thought that the above requires is clear. Not all couples possess these traits, and have a way to go to work on the skills that can get them to a place where they can have co-operative discussions all the time, negating the need for any arguments. This is a ‘best case scenario’ set of skills. But I believe we can do some simple things to get as close as we can to having healthy and meaningful discussions instead of high conflict arguments.
1 – Watch our language.
By this I do not simply mean ‘do not swear’ (although I do also mean that). Swearing usually means you have lost control, and can signal to the other party that you are down for a fight. This does not do well for a calm discussion and tends to escalate things. However, further than this we must also use language that mutualises the problem instead of separating the parties.
I have often heard phrases in arguments like ‘but what about me?’ ‘you are so selfish’, or ‘f**k this’ ‘are you for real?’ many times. Better phrases would be ‘this is a problem’, ‘this is frustrating for both of us’ or ‘I hear what you need, let’s work out how we can get there’ or ‘I’m sure we can work this out so we both get what we need’. I also advocate the banning of words like ‘but..’. If you respond to your partners statement by saying ‘but..’ and go on to make your point, you are saying ‘I am not giving any credence to what you have just said’, try saying ‘OK, I hear you, I also feel x’ etc. It may be difficult to do this at first, but if you have a partner who is willing to use the same language that mutualises the problem and does not shut things down, then you have a good chance of success.
2 – Be respectful
I have seen couples physically push each other during arguments at therapy, walk off, call each other ‘mad’, tell each other to ‘shut up’, or roll their eyes when the other is talking. As soon as behaviour like this occurs, there is little point in continuing the discussion, and it should be agreed that you will continue at a later time when you have both had the chance to cool down. A mutual agreement can only be achieved when both parties are respecting and listening to each other.
The likelihood is that your partner is not simply trying antagonise you, they simply have a need. Try hearing to your partners point of view, pausing, and showing them that you understand what they are saying before making your point, no matter how strongly you may dislike what they are saying.
3 – Stick to the point
I often hear cutting comments that extend outside the issue, however, all this does is detract from the discussion. It is all too easy to slip out of an argument you feel you are losing, by bringing past issues into play, which you believe may lend more weight to your argument, for instance ‘This is classic Dave, my friends warned me you would do this’. This is competitive behaviour, and brings up an entirely new narrative that Dave will feel upset and defensive about. You are saying ‘I will throw anything at you to win this argument, no matter how irrelevant to the here and now’. You would do better to send a message that says ‘I am trying to think of ways to fix this so we can both get what we need’, so stick to the point in hand and stay there.
The above three tools provide some ways to avoid unnecessary conflict. However, if you find that you have limited success in putting these suggestions into practice successfully, it may be that past negative behaviours, or deeper unresolved issues are playing part in the conflict style, for instance, Dave’s partner has wider issues about trust that she has discussed with her friends but not Dave. Deep seated resentment or frustration is hard to push down in moments of disharmony, and it can work its way through to the surface making conflict more charged. If this is the case, then the first step would be to speak to a couples therapist so that you can work through any underlying problems in a safe space where you can both be heard, and start a positive healing process.
There is also the tough reality of low compatibility being a reason why arguments are so conflictual. It could be that you both have entirely different conflict styles, communication styles and value systems, which can make it almost impossible to have calm and co-operative conflict. If you suspect this is the case, my suggestion would be to acknowledge these differences with your partner and work hard to understand each other and make adjustments, however, it would be prudent to seriously consider whether the incompatibility is beginning to feel insurmountable. If value systems between partners are fundamentally different, co-operative conflict can be very difficult to achieve.
As always it is important to consider that an abusive partner will find it almost impossible to use the tools suggested to modify the way they communicate. I strongly suggest speaking individually to a therapist if you suspect there is verbal, psychological, emotional or financial abuse in your relationship.
Bibliography
Coleman, P. T. (2011). Conflict, interdependence, and justice. Springer.
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