ARE YOU LIVING WITH A VULNERABLE NARCISSIST?
What comes to mind when you think ‘narcissist’? Noisy, self-serving, larger than life characters? President Donald Trump, with his outlandish statements, inflated sense of self, and desire for power is commonly described as a narcissist, along with big name music artists like Kanye West. Their need for adoration, shameless confidence, and desire to be celebrated by the world certainly puts them firmly in the ‘grandiose narcissist’ realm.
Whether they are or not, those who have NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, typically display such characteristics. Scientific research shows that with NPD have most of the traits below:
1 - An inflated sense of self
2 - Egocentricity
3 – A tendency to overstate the accomplishments of one’s self
4 - Hypersensitivity to criticism
5 - Envy of the achievement of others
6 – A tendency to have little regard for others
7 – Exploitation of people for self-aggrandising personal motives
In a nutshell, narcissists need to feed their ego, and will happily suck on the bones of unsuspecting others who give their time, emotional support, financially support and energy until there is nothing left. This makes them impossible to have a meaningful relationship with. After an initial love-bombing period where the narcissist seals the deal with their new partner, they will continually serve themself with little regard for the wellbeing of their partner. It is a highly psychologically abusive relationship structure, and can lead to significant and ongoing trauma issues for the victim.
But big, punchy characters are not the only narcissists in the room, there is another type which is lesser known, harder to recognise, and arguably much more sinister; the ‘vulnerable’ (or ‘covert’) narcissist. Grandiose narcissists can be spotted a mile off - you can hear their self-assured footsteps, their loud voice, and their energy charged with charm and ambition bursting through the door before they appear. You might recognise the overt charm and delusional beliefs. You can protect yourself. But you will almost never see a vulnerable narcissist coming which is what makes them, in my view, much more dangerous.
Unlike grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists are often introverted, feel inadequate and insecure, neurotic, and routinely regard the world around them negatively. They are the kind of people who (unlike a gregarious grandiose narcissist) would shy away from a party, and feel anxious about unfamiliar experiences. People who meet vulnerable narcissists will likely describe them as humble and sweet. However, their narcissistic traits mean that they also have a strong sense of entitlement, believe they are special, and have a desire to be revered. In fact, they want all the things that grandiose narcissists do; money, control, and adoration, but they try to achieve them by playing a different set of cards.
Vulnerable narcissists play the victim. Instead of being the loudest person in the meeting room, they will be notably absent from the meeting because they have a tragic family emergency which will likely be the talking point of the meeting for the first 10 minutes and prompt text messages from concerned team members for the rest of the day. Where grandiose narcissists will show off their physical prowess in the gym, a vulnerable narcissist is more likely to check themselves into A&E for no reason at all and post their unfortunate health update on social media spurring a flurry of emotional support from friends. They have got the attention of the masses and they have hardly had to lift a finger.
Vulnerable narcissists are highly antagonistic. This is because they are generally unsatisfied with life, mourn past troubles deeply, and are prone to blaming others for their own misfortune. They are the ones who enjoy legal wrangles over insignificant matters, and create unnecessary drama with their partners, the neighbours or perhaps with strangers on social media. Probably whilst they are still in their pyjamas.
So, how do you know if you are in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist?
1 – They are relying on you financially
This is one of the biggest tell tale signs. Remember, you are dealing with a different type of narcissist who does not have the single minded ambition and capabilities of the grandiose narcissist to gain wealth. They may well have come to the partnership displaying financial means, but this has come to nothing, and in reality you have now become the financial provider.
2 - There is always drama
The vulnerable narcissist needs attention and they will get it by causing drama. This could be by feigning serious illness, spreading scandalous gossip (true or not), picking a fight with your family or friends, disappearing for long stretches, threatening to commit suicide, making unnecessary complaints about service, or creating shocking fictional events or stories. You will have compassion and sympathy at first, but after years of drama this may start to wear thin.
3 – They stay home
The vulnerable narcissist is shy and does not enjoy new experiences, but is also highly motivated to be admired and respected by others. They are very likely to spend much of the day at home, online. They may use their phone to create or partake in fantasy worlds which provide some validation. They might use the internet to post negatively about others or use social media to post unscrupulous comments to give them a feeling of power.
Their insecurity and neuroticism make it nearly impossible for them to have steady careers, so it is common for them to be without work often, allowing them to stay home and operate behind a screen.
4 – They are silently taking control
This is the hardest to identify because you may not see your partner as being outwardly controlling. Vulnerable narcissists however do manage to gain control, often by manipulating their partners. They do not want to go to your family events, but they also do not want you to go because your vulnerable narcissist requires your constant attention. They may go along to your family event claiming to be keen to attend, but when they arrive they will faint, spill a drink on themselves, or fabricate an emergency to ensure you both have to go home. The vulnerable narcissist has got exactly what they wanted. You both at home with your attention diverted to them only. I once heard a female speak of such an event, and not only did the narcissist manage to get them both home by feigning a shocking illness that ruined the event, but he also managed to get her entire family to profoundly sympathise with him, and question why she was not as worried about him as they were.
The vulnerable narcissist is good at causing divides between yourself and your family or friends but it is very subtle ways. Whilst purporting to be supportive of your friendships they will take any opportunity to use negative talk or deception to keep you more and more distanced from your loved ones.
Your partner may show some of these signs and not others, and this is not a sure-fire tick list, but if you have been nodding to yourself whilst reading this blog, you may well be living with a vulnerable narcissist.
So what can you do? Sadly, the reality is that a narcissist will always be a narcissist – no amount of couples therapy is going to work because you cannot change them. Your only question should be: can I live with it? The general advice out there encourages you to protect yourself by setting clear boundaries with your narcissist, but I believe it is misguided to assume that those boundaries will not frequently be crossed. Getting what they want from you is always going to be the main goal so by their very nature, vulnerable narcissists will always put your boundaries at the bottom of their list.
When you call a narcissist out for their behaviour, they become temporarily afraid that you will leave them and this is the worst thing that could happen to them. They need you because you are their sustenance. Therefore they adapt their behaviour, and, despite how much you feel you may have ‘got through’ to them, they will anything to placate you, because they want to ensure you stay with them no matter what. Expect tears, flowers, apologies, and confessions of deep love. However, you can be certain that the cycle is simply beginning all over again.
I would strongly advise one thing: consider how your brain is responding to the trauma you are experiencing, because there are clear long-term consequences. Every time your vulnerable narcissist lies, manipulates, or attempts to control and isolate you, you are on the receiving end of abuse, and your brain can experience this as trauma. The way your brain adapts to this experience can result in higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol and adrenaline both of which can lead to serious physical and mental health issues. You are unwittingly teaching themselves that being abused and having unmet needs in relationships is acceptable. This type of learned belief can in turn affect patterns of behaviour and decision making, and has the power to negatively impact the viability and quality of any future relationships.
If you think you are experiencing a partnership, or familial relationship with a vulnerable narcissist I would advise speaking to a therapist or even a good friend about what you are going through. Do not sugar coat it, do not make excuses for their behaviour, do not worry about being judged, just be honest about what types of things are happening in your relationship. Getting an objective perspective and some insight from someone who cares for your wellbeing will give you some much needed clarity.
When you are clear about what you are facing, you are halfway there.
If you need support, do not hesitate to book an initial free session with me at mona@monascottnorman.com
